Week 7 marked the halfway point of our glorious FFL season.  The bye weeks are making life difficult for some, injuries for others and horrible decisions by GM and Head Coaches by most.  The Commish, a known socialist, wanted parity and strong-armed his Soviet era level measurements into effect to try and get it (no keepers, punishing winners, being a jerk).  But much like his Commie forefathers, his parity plan has FAILED.  Miserably.  This is the most uneven start to a season that we have had in the storied history of “This is Serious Business”.  2 teams have one loss, though luck plays into that (Briskets!) and the rest of the league is mired in mediocrity except DSVP who is clearly bucking for the first pick next season.  Much like he did last season. -side note… Is Pugs owner Todd actually the GM for the Cleveland Browns? I, for one, say yes, yes he is.  Former Champs TBIAC and Grider are struggling.  LO went from third place to second place to……Sacko bowl?  Pigg and DDP are in the middle of this mess with a chance to rise to the top or fall back into the sludge of the loser bracket.  DFUN is DFUN.  The two new guys have brought us many things…. like two more teams, less players and more $ for the Cats, ooops, I mean the Champion of the League.  Things have definitely changed (except for DFUN and DSVP sucking, DDP and Pigg being mediocre, Lo being pissed about her team, Grider firing his FFL staffers like Trump on a bad Twitter day, TBIAC not caring about his team and the Cats winning despite it all).  Soooo, not much has changed.  There are still 7 weeks to make up for past losses, bad picks and not accepting trade offers!
On to the games……

DSVP v Cats. 130-75. Wentz 30 and Zeke 39 plus 17 from Greg “the Leg” and Jags D was more than enough for the Champs to take down Pug.  High points for DSVP was that this only counted as one loss.

The “Bro-Down” between Briskets and TBIAC was hailed as the game of the week.  The savvy older brother facing the young upstart newbie.  Who will win their Mother’s love…… Briskets 120-72.  TBIAC went in as a -3.7 pt fav and left beaten, bloodied and unloved.  Briskets got 44 from the RB’s, 18 from TE Reed and L Murray with his one good game this year, 17.  TBIAC got hit right in the face with the Briskets kryptonite (as noted in this blog, Briskets has an uncanny skill for catching every team on their off night, aka FFL kryptonite.)  Palmer 2 and  OUT, Gordon 3, Thielen 4.  Looks like it could be an interesting Holiday season at the Glass’s house this year.

DDP takes on the lil LO’s.  Both teams in need of a W but only one left the gridiron with it.  DDP wins 93-54.  Deshaun Watson goes down in practice with an ACL, Taylor steps up to the plate with 19pts.  AB with 12, Engram 12, and Baldwin 15 was more than the diminutive Laces could handle.  Brady 17, Agholor 10 and Steelers D with 12.  RB’s combined for 8.  WR combined for 4 and K a -1. Good news for LO is her bench is loaded…..with nothing….at all…..guess that’s not good news.

The Yankee Pigg takes on the Queen of Oaklawn, Grider.  Pigg was a -7pt dog going in and lost by 32.  Grider’s minions really needed this win to keep their jobs and Amari Cooper showed up off the waivers wire (LO drop) and dropped 33.  Brees tossed 19 and no on else did much but Pigg was clearly out hunting over the weekend and forgot he was in a FFL battle.  Matty Ice 16, Leveon 18 and Dez with 12 was all the northeners could muster.  Grider stays in the hunt in the super competitive East Division while Pigg will always be competitive in the dumpster fire of the West.

In this weeks other Faaaaammmmiiiiilllllyyyyy FFffffuuuueeeeeddddddd.  DFUN v Bizness.  Biz wins. 91-73.  DFUN had a zero from Thomas AND Bryant to go along with a 2 from Blount and 5 from CJ.  Biz is hanging around the top of the West and playing DFUN can only help in the chase for the Championship.  Bortles and Ingram with 16, Julio 15 and Tucker kicked in 14.  But, just showing up to the game is usually enough to earn a W over DFUN……am I right or am I right!

Week 8 is next.  The start of the second half of the season.  Who is going to make the gutsy call, the big trade, find the next stud on waivers?  It could be you (it won’t be you, most likely, but I guess mathematically it could be you).  Enough of the pep talk, lets go play some FFL!

Week 8

In an ABSOLUTE MUST WIN week for the diminutive LO, she faced off with the New Guy Team Bizness. Biz was a 22 pt fav going in but as stated above, LO really really needed this win.  LO 73 Biz…….83. The losing train continues to run through LO town!  Red Rocket tossed 18, Ingram 11, the great J Tucker kicked in 12 and 15 from the Panthers D was just enough to earn the W this week.  Lo had 17 from Deflate-Gate, 24 from Fuller (good luck from here on- foreshadowing) and 14 from K.  8 from RB (numerous trades have been offered to LO involving RB, they were declined) 0 from Moncrief (drop this loser) , 2 from the FLEX and a sweet sweet 0 from the Steelers D.  Obviously last years runner up has lost the locker room with this years team.  Changes need to be made, quickly.  Biz stays in contention in the West Division, which means he still has a team in the West Division.

The Big Dawg, Briskets takes on Team Pigg.  Will Briskets continue to luck out each week?  Will every team he play have their worst week?  Will he continue to overachieve? Or is he for real?  107-85 victory over Pigg.  Russell Wilson 35 huge points and 23 from Shady  was enough to knock Pigg out of the playoff picture (for now).  Leveon disappointed with only 11, Matty Ice 15 and a UUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEE 27 from the Ravens D wasn’t enough to make up for 21 pts combined from 5 positions.  Next week Pigg tries to rebound and Briskets runs off to Vegas to cash in on his lucky streak!

In a Sacko preview, DFUN takes on the hapless DSVP.  Pugs come out of the gate as -4.7 fav (according to the geniuses at ESPN) and ends up losing by 35.  98-63.  DFUN got 28 from D Hopkins (good luck from here on-foreshadowing) and solid games from K, D, QB and Blount, who surprisingly isn’t in prison yet.  Pugs team is clearly revolting against his Parcell’s-type iron fisted approach.  Dak with 6,  0 from Smallwood (name says it all) and combined 2 at WR were enough to put the Pugs in the doghouse yet again.  Good luck to whomever plays these two next week!

DDP versus the Grider.  Grid picked by the experts to win by 3.5.  Loses by 17. Again, nice job ESPN.  For an auto-drafted team with 8 WR’s (yup, that’s the max allowable) and a QB picked in the 15th round, this team has been most surprising.  Grider and his team of highly paid experts (who all obviously work at ESPN) have been just as surprising but in the sad kind of way.  There is no excuse for a former Champ to be so mediocre at this point in the season (exception for TBIAC who is even worse than Grider).  DDP had 21 from the Eagles D and 16 from the new QB Taylor (Deshaun Watson out with ACL tear, good luck to anyone with Texan WR- revealed!!)and 14 from waiver wire steal A Collins.  Grider got -4 from his D, 1 from Flex and 4 from last weeks waiver darling Cooper.
Someone is about to get FIRED!!

Our teammate and ex-Champ TBIAC had a birthday this week.  Therefore this vaunted, decorated writer will only say that a game was played between TBIAC and the Cats and a team won.  TBIAC played a good game, scored 92 points which would have been enough in about half the games this week.  Cats just scored a little more and gained the W over the mighty warrior that TBIAC is.  (by 51 points, what an ass-whipping).  These two storied franchises will meet again to fight another day (prob not this year though,  since someone is pointed right at the Sacko Bowl).

Next week….math breakdown.  Who’s for realz, who be faking, who be done, who be just starting to make their move (DSVP?) ((nope)). The numbers don’t lie!!!

   After receiving a cease and desist order from the Commissioner of this so called Fantasy Football League (hence the delay in publishing), this brave writer fought back and got the original suspension stayed by the 2nd Circuit Court of FFL, located, strangely, at 2 Charlies Bar in Denton, TX.  This only angered the power hungry Commish and he promptly filed a writ of douchebaggery (not sure if that’s the real name, but that’s what I am calling it) and re-instated the cease and desist.  Just this morning my lawyer, the ghost of Johnny Cochrane, contacted me and said I was back in the FFL writing game.  He found a higher court of FFL, strangely it was in the UPSTAIRS bar at 2 Charlies, and convinced them that this blog is the only watchdog on the maniacal Commish and without it the other teams would be put in a “Weinstein casting couch” situation.  His words.
 Soooooo, for now I’m back, but who knows for how long.  The Commish is not one to be trifled with.  His memory is as long as his team’s losing streak.  Pray for my safety.

On to the games!  Week 5

DSVP v TBIAC This was just what we thought it would be. Boring.  DSVP goes down 98-76.  Melvin Gordon goes off for 27, but DSVP matched that with Dak’s 29.  Jackson had 10 and Pug’s Hill had 12.  Unfortunately for DSVP, that was the end of the matching.  The rest of his team failed at FFL’ing.  The Capt put a nice week together, despite missing out on some really good trade offers.  We will see what week 6 brings for these two warriors.

In the Yankee version of “Fffffffaaaaaammmmmiiiiilllllyyy Fffffeeeuuuuuuuddddd”, we had Biz a -19 point under dog to the senior Pigg.  ESPN nailed it once again.  Biz 93-77.  Raaaawwwwdddddgggjjjaaaasss with 23 (nothing can stop this guy, seriously he is the best! He will live FOREVER!!!), Hogan 13 and TY Hilton with one of his 4 good games a year, 17.  Pigg knew he had a problem this week the second he clicked the mouse and put Jay freakin Cutler in the game.  Leveon was held to 8 (should have traded him for Zeke, just sayin),  Dez with a nice showing, 11.  And some dude named Wallace who plays for some team in Baltimore? snagged 13.  But the Cutler curse was too strong to emancipate the victory from Biz. 

Grider v LO.  In an epic showdown of former Championship game losers (both to the Cats), nothing was held back, except lack of talent and roster strength.  Which neither seems to have.  Grider 78-71 over the tiny, angry LO.  When your K is your highest scorer of the week, you usually lose (exception below) and LO’s K had 21 and her RB’s had 11 and 2.  Not to be outdone in FFL ineptitude, Grider had a 7 at QB, 0 at TE and only 2 from K.  And won. Seriously.  Wow.

4.6 pts fav, and the fans fav, the Cats took on lil bro DFUN’s Donut Punchers and won by 23.  ESPN….. nailed it.  Wentz 27, 52 from 3 RB’s and 15 from ODB.  DDP had 35 from the rookie phenom Deshaun Watson and 15 from AB and 9 from Garcon.  23 points combined for the other 6 players.  -editors note…. Today we lost a great player and an even better head of hair.  ODB has passed away today at the stadium from a broken ankle.  He died doing what he loved most, showing off, throwing tantrums and scoring some FFL points.  RIP, ODB, you will be missed.  Mostly because Cats gave up Deandre Hopkins for you.  Bad trade.

DFUN v the Luckiest Team in FFL aka Briskets.  Again, ESPN had Briskets a -7pt fav and won by 18.  I won’t blame ESPN on this one, no one can tell how bad DFUN will be on a week to week basis. Its impossible. Briskets have caught every team so far on their down week.  This week was different, sort of.  DFUN was as good as they can be. Fortunately for Briskets, DFUN’s best is horrible and sad. 23 from Hopkins (trade him back to Cats) and 12 from Ertz were the highlights.  -7 from the Texans D was the lowlight. ‘Nuff said.  Briskets did just enough to win, again. 14 from Trabtree and Beasly (count on that every week!) and Gostkowski leading the team with 15 (if you play DFUN you can win if your K is your leading scorer, the only exception).

Week 6

DFUN v DFUN’s Donut Puncher.  This was a battle from the start.  Both teams came out swinging and ended up with the best game of the week.  Yeah, I know, its DFUN and DDP.  It really was.  Not kidding.  They were actually good.  It was like they were real FFL teams!  111-99 DFUN punches the Donut Puncher in his donut punching face.  DFUN said “NO MORE”  to turning the other “cheek” and fought back against his “Power Top”.  Texans D came back from a horrid week 5 to score 23, 13 from Ajayi, 13 from Ertz and 21 from K (barely missed the K high score jinx) ((paradox- if your K is the your high scorer, you lose unless, you play DFUN.  But if DFUN’s K is his high scorer and he isn’t playing himself, does he lose?  This is going to keep me up at night for days)).  DDP wasted another big game from the rookie Watson 23 and 18 from Hyde (again, count on that every week) and a normal game from AB, 21 and a breakout for another rookie Engram 14, just wasn’t enough in this contest of “bottom” feeders

In the “Battle for Oaklawn” TBIAC was a 9 point underdog to the locals favorite, Grider.  There was much prancing and headwear, some makeup (unconfirmed) and lots of slapping in this street fight.  When the broken high heels and hair weave remnants were counted, TBIAC wins 84-79.  Gordon, again, with a huge game 26.  Muscle Hamster 14, Evans 15 and the Golden Taint 15.  Grider had bad days from Brees, 11 Freeman, 7 and no WR even showed up for this glorified slap-n-tickle battle.  Gronk, not scared away by the roving hoards of tranny bikers, hauled in 20.  These two clearly hate each other and I, personally, cant wait to see the rematch.

Cats continue to roll 97-61.  Playing for their fallen brother, ODB, Wentz tossed 20, the 3 headed RB monster (despite Zeke on bye/suspension) 45 and Greg “the Leg” 11.  Biz (who doesn’t take trade offers, just saying) needed some help this week.  Ingram ran for 24 and Mccaffrey 11 and the always awesome Justin Tucker 12.  But, we have had another loss in our FFL family.  I’m sorry to break this news in a public blog, but someone needs to do it.  Rrrrrrrrrraaaaaaawwwwwddddddjjjjjjjaaaasss is finished.  Broken collar bone. The discount double checker is gone.  You will always be remembered

LO continues on her quest for the Sacko, losing 89-73 to Pigg.  LO continues to play with her seriously flawed roster (trade!).  Brady 16, Fuller (good waiver pick up) 12 and Steelers 10.  Everyone else might as well have stayed in the locker room.  Pigg, looks to be a serious contender this year despite not have the same luck as the Briskets.  Leveon 24, Thompson 13, Fitz 17, K 12 and some guy sitting on his bench named Adrian Peterson 25.  In the Dumpster Fire of the West Division, Vegas odds have Pigg as the hands down leader.  But only in the Dumpster Fire of the West Division. Not in a real FFL division.

And in the weekends finale, on ESPN “the Ocho” Briskets put his luck up against the luckless DSVP.  91-79 Briskets win again.  Despite being a -.2 fav, DSVP found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, yet again.  A solid week for Murray 14, McKinnon (great waiver pick up) 19 and 11 from Adams wasn’t enough to counter the lack of output from basically every other position.  Briskets dabbed 20 from Cam, 11 for Girley and Trabtree and 15 from Marvin Jones (whoever that is) and a big 21 from the Rams D.  Not much more to say about this one.  DSVP is really fighting for that Sacko trophy, and you need to respect that.

Soooo, in the East we have a huge “points for” “points again” discrepancy between the top two teams (overachiever).  In the West…. well, dumpster fire. If the Commish doesn’t have this intrepid, real news reporting, FFL beat writer taken out, we will see you next week for week 7!

So we have made it to the NFL quarter-way mark.  DSVP and DFUN look like they will be fighting for the Sacko, again.  Briskets is trying to walk into “This is Serious Business” and take our “Lucky Bastard” and by “our” I mean the Lil d Ceiling Cats “Lucky Bastard”.  The East Division, as usual, is loaded while the West looks like the dumpster fire that it is.  Plenty of injuries are making the weekly lineups more difficult and not just  for DSVP, who seems to actually enjoy breaking all his toys.  The dreaded bye weeks are upon us and the Head Coach’s decision are going to get tougher.  The waiver wire cupboard is bare due to the added teams (thanks jerks) and no one is willing to trade (except DFUN and Cats, as usual).  Good news, maybe, is we have a long way to go.  There will be ups and downs, wins and losses, injuries, pick-ups and maybe, god forbid, a trade or two.  Lets get to the action…..

   Quick recap of week 3 and 4 and on to the STATS!!
Week 3

The (finally) officially named DFUN’s Donut Punchers punched Team Pigg right in the donut 106-78.  DDP, despite auto drafting 8 WR’s, is really rallying his troops this season.  Team Pigg, despite not trading LeVeon, is hovering in the middle of the horrid West Division.

LO, again, with her tiny fists of fury, bury another foe.  71- 52 over the Briskets.  The Big Man finally had a bad week and LO had just enough to continue her win streak.

Cats, as usual, curb-stomped DFUN 113- 76.  DFUN has some decent players, they just need some new blood in the Head Coaching position (Courtney, time to take control).  Cats biggest problem is deciding which FFL studs to play.  Nothing can stop the Champ from going for three straight titles (except injury, and that will NEVER happen). Editors note- Dalvin Cook out with ACL, Carson out with broken leg

 

 

DSVP scores a season high (no idea if that’s true) 90 and still loses to Grider, 101.  Griders team of misfits and old people is still dangerous as long as he can afford to pay the brightest minds in FFL to make all of his decisions for him.  DSVP is….. uhhmmmm…..well, his is a…….team in our league.

Bizness v “the biggest disappointment this season” TBIAC.  73-54 Bizness wins.  Is the Trump Presidency affecting the Capt this much?  Have the hemorrhoids come back to distract him as they have so often?  Whatever it is, its hard to watch a former Champion look like this (side note- its awesome watching the former Champion look like this!).

Week 4
This was a weird week.  Team Bizness’s bench scored 5 more than his starters.  DSVP, not to be outdone, had his bench outscore his starters (this one wasn’t that difficult, but he did it) 51 to 41.  LO won despite her bench scoring 90 and the starters only getting 81 (she was playing DFUN).  Some teams like Briskets used all he had, only 15 left on the bench with a 121 score (could be because he has empty spots on his bench, which this intrepid writer applauds, and thinks more teams should do!).  TBIAC was almost even at 59/51.  Pigg with a solid showing at 93/54, Grider 102/26 and the overall winner of the week…….shocker, DFUN.  Scored 42, bench 74.  Good Call Coach!! (Courtney, time to take the reins).  Grider goes down to the Cats despite having a good week 117-102.  Briskets roll on 121-59 over the Biz.  DDP somehow overcomes DSVP’s 41 point week to squeeze out a W.  Pigg continues TBIAC’s woes with a 93-59 win. And LO takes a tiny little victory lap after “beating” DFUN 81-42.

On to the stats…..

EAST                                                               WEST
Lil d Ceiling Cats       3-1                             Team Pigg                  2-2
Big Hungry Briskets  3-1                             DFUN’s Donut Puncher  2-2
LO                            3-1                             Bizness                          2-2
Grider                       2-2.                            TBIAC                            1-3
DFUN                       1-3                              DSVP                            1-3

                                     Points For                                             Points Against
Lil d Ceiling Cats         406                                                       376
Grider                           376                                                       368
Briskets                        363                                                       279
Pigg                              336                                                       333
LO                                329                                                       257
DDP                             326                                                       302
DFUN                          315                                                       383
Biz                                284                                                      316
TBIAC                         283                                                       330
DSVP                           252                                                       326

Differential
Briskets                    +84
LO                            +72
Cats                          +30
DDP                         +24
Grider                       +8
Pigg                          +3
Biz                            -32
TBIAC                      -47
DFUN                       -68
DSVP                       -74

 Soooooo, what does all these stats tell us?  “Points for” speak for themselves.  A true grade of your starting teams choices.  “Points Against” is a little cloudier.  Its 1. a grade of how your opponent’s choices worked out and 2. If you have the “I’m screwed” bug. (this is when every team you play has their best week against you.  It is something that happens and through years of research and sleuthing, your favorite FFL beat writer has found….. that’s its just bad luck.)   Biz is a -32 but is 2-2 and Grider is a +8 and 2-2.  Briskets is 3-1 but has only 279 scored against.  Cats are 3-1 but have 376 scored against.  LO has only 257 against but DFUN has 383. It is what the FFL God’s want.  We don’t know their “big plan”, we can only choose to keep FFL’ing and see how it pans out. Some records are legit, some are inflated or deflated (Tom Brady joke) by the matchup.  Plenty of weeks left for it all to settle in and let the cream rise to the top (Cats like milk, which is kinda like cream.)  Good Luck on the rest of the season (except for Grider, who is busy with Emmitt Smith working on his roster as we speak).

     Week 2 is over and we all have many questions to answer.  Was drafting 8 WRs a good idea? (no) What happens when I break my #1 overall pick? (fire-sale)  Will some new guy actually win this thing? (no)  Who will face DSVP in the Sacko Bowl? (many options).  Why do we even play TE’s? (no idea).  Will anyone break the ice and draft Kaepernick? (DDP)  What we do know is that its only week 2.  There will be many more weeks of injuries and bye weeks and mannnnnnyyyy bad start/sit decisions.  So keep away from the waiver wires, only accept trades from reputable teams (Cats) and always keep at least 3 K on your roster.  You’ll thank me later for that lil tip later!
    

On to the action…..
     Capt v LO.  After a heartbreaking week 1 loss, LO came out swinging her tiny little fists of fury and caught the Capt square on his perfectly chiseled chin. LO 89-72 victory.  Brady’s perfectly inflated balls went for 29 against the tough NO D (not a type-o, New Orleans D suuuucks),  Beast Mode with 10 and Jacquizz Rodgers 12, K Bryant with a huge 14.  Downside- Trabtree vultured the CRAP out of Cooper (3 pts) and Jordy went down early with an injury.  A weak bench for last years runner up could spell trouble if any injuries turn serious.  Capt had good games from Gordon 13, Gillislee (again) 12 and Evans 15.  Golden Taint 2, Graham scored 0 but hurt himself and  DeSean Jackson, 3, sealed the loss.  Big time waiver wire pickup Golladay sat the bench, luckily, with a 0. Buck Allen had a big day with 15 while watching from the sidelines next to  Colby Fleeners 9.  Next week TBIAC takes on the Yankee newcomer Bizness and LO is at home against the other FNG, Briskets.

     DFUN at Team Grider.  Was DFUNs 116pt week 1 a fluke or has the perennial Sacko participant turned the corner?  Was Grider’s week 1 total of 64 an indication of his FFL demise?  Final score 109-81 Grider wins.  DFUN’s RBs both looked good again with 12 and 22, a booming day for Kicker Boswell 16 and a TE actually didn’t suck, Ertz with 9.  Rams D looked like the Rams O and scored 1, Thomas only 7 and Diggs, a week 1 darling, fell back to earth with 2.  Howard blew a shoulder and left the game with a big fat zero.  Unfortunately for the DFUN CJ Anderson was watching this beat down from the pine with his 26 points.  Grider, fresh off of his vacation throwing rescues animals off of bridges, had 22 from Brees and 21 from Freeman.  Gronk caught 17 and and STD, (oops, meant injury) shocker.! The “over the hill gang” Gore, Forte and Marshall combined for 19 while sitting on the sidelines drinking Metamucil and complaining about “these damn snowflakes”.  Soooooo, the questions above are not answered.  The upcoming weeks may start to clear the fog, and the Big Boys will start to rise above.  Who will it be? (not DFUN)

     In a potential Sacko showdown (any game against DSVP is potential Sacko showdown) the Pugs took on the Yankee oppressor Team Pigg.  In what eye-witness accounts said was the  “worst FFL game they have ever seen, since last time DSVP played Pigg “, little else needs said.  Pigg 85-52. And before you ask DSVP actually had “players” in each position.  Dak led the 52 point charge with 15, West 10 and Adams 15.  Pats D a -2, zero at TE (why are we forced to play these bastards!) and 3 from Cooks was enough for even Team Pigg to eke out a W.  Dez had 14 (Pigg needs more Cowboys) 16 from Kelce (TE are awesome) and 17 from the RB position put Trey in the hunt for mediocrity. Note- Chris Thompson sat the pine with 21, but nobody cares in this sham of a FFL game! They should both be ashamed!  Next loss for DSVP is Grider and Pigg takes on DDP

Cats take on Hungry Briskets in a Shiva prelim.  Cats fail miserably 110-85.  Zeke, fighting the NFL to continue to play……forgot to play. Score 1.  Jags D, -1.  Wasted- Hunt’s 22 and Fournette’s 12 and the surprisingly uninjured Alshon’s 15.  Derrick Henry’s 15 sitting on the bench (Murray is done, trade offers should be rolling in anytime) and Texans D with 10 watched this beat down of the 2 time champ from the newbie.  For the Briskets, the resurgent Girley had 22 and the above mentioned TD vulture Trabtree with 26 along with M Bryant’s 15 was just too much for the poor lil Cats.  Briskets is the only undefeated team so far and looks to be the real deal (as far as week 2 goes that is).  Side note- Briskets bench consists of an OUT, two Questionables and a Doubtful.  (may want to think trade, just sayin).  Next week Briskets look to continue the streak against LO and Cats cat fight DFUN.

And in the nightcap, DFUN’s Donut Puncher (surprisingly the Commish, DFUN, hasn’t had “time” to change TSMYTDs name yet) vs Bizness.  Bizness on top 85-72.  All 8 WR’s came together and played a great game.  Not really, only 3 started and they combined for 18. But the Carolina D tossed in 12 and Hyde (another shocker) ran for 13.  DDP is still carrying a IR player on the bench so his Sacko bowl rematch with DSVP looks like a lock early on.  Rrrrrrraaaawwwwdddjjjjaaaass and Julio Jones had a combined 27 and Hogan and Delanie with 23 total was enough to finish of the Donut Punchers.  Neither had much on the bench and need to look for some trade options (Cats).

   
Soooo, we are two games in.  We’ve had injuries (DJohnson), we’ve had bad decisions (all of us), we’ve had trade offers refused ( you know who you are).  Too early to tell but early enough to fix some problems, so make sure to not look at waivers, don’t research injuries, only accept trades from the Cats, and never, ever, trust the internet (except for hillaryisacrook.com, its legit!).  – paid for by the Trump 2020 campaign

Week 1.  Many questions to answer.  Many players to sift through.  Waiver wires.  Injuries. DFUN’s Donut Puncher’s taking ALL the WR’s in the draft.  So many questions.  So few FFL weeks.  Lets get to it then….

In a rematch of the 2016-2017 Championship game, Laces Out, or LO for you new guys, takes on the Lil d Ceiling Cats.  Better game, same result.  Cats victorious 91-88.  Mariota 18, Fournette 18, Zeke 13, Hopkins 11, Cook 13.  Unfortunately, Hunt 39 and Jags 29(defense, you’ll soon see the trend) riding the pine.  For LO, Brady floundered around for 10, Jordy 13 and Coop 12.  Steelers D 19 (hence the title of this week, to be continued).  Monday Night Football was the capper for this epic clash of FFL titans!  LO with a TE and a WR to play and tied with the Cats who only had a rookie (shocking) RB to go.  Rudolph and Sanders 10 pts combined.  Cook 13. Boom goes the dynamite. Next week the Lil d Ceiling Cats take on Big D in a battle of D’s…. or d’s……or something.  LO moves on to play the always dangerous Cheaters.

In this years first “Ffffaaaammmiiilllyyyy Fffuuuueeeeddd” (editors note- this is going to get tiresome.  2 Brothers, the Cheaters and Big D.  Bro-Sis in Dfun Donut Puncher and Ceiling Cats.  Some kind of Yankee Bro-Bro-Sis triumvirate in DFUN, Pigg and Bizness.  Should make Holidays that much more fun!)  Pigg v DFUN.  Not even close.  116-80.  I looked it up to make sure, 116 points is 2 less than DFUNs complete 2016 season totals.  I did. Really. Look it up your self.   Pigg had no one but Matty Ice since Bell was working off his all you can eat Sizzler buffett.  At least the Ravens, 22, came to play. (more D).  Nothing on Piggs bench would have gotten this one close.  DFUN had a UUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEEE game from Stafford, 26, and Diggs, 21 and 29 from the RAMs D. (D)  Montgomery, 14 and Blount 10 on the bench kept this one from being even uglier!  DFUN v Grider in Week 2 and Pigg v DSVP in one of the few games without relatives fighting for their respective parents love.

TBIAC or again, for the new guys, Tom Brady is a Cheater or more often Capt, took on the newly renamed DFUN’s Donut Puncher. (any confusion regarding the name will be cleared up by Google and this writers hatred of the Commish). DDP brought all 8 WR’s to the battlefield but could only play 3, hence the loss 75-98 to the Capt.  The 15th round QB Taylor threw down 17, AB with 18, his normal, and 10 for the Bills….. you guessed it, Defense.   Nothing spectacular from the horribly unspectacular RB’s and nothing from the bench.  The Capt, on the other hand, got the Gillislee he wanted and the 22 points he desired.  17 from old man Rivers, 13 from Gordon (still don’t believe in him) 15 from a WHITE WR? Crazy!  Evans was benched due to a Hurricane (Grider may or may not have been responsible for this one too) and a slew of SSPD players watched from the sideline in this sad week 1 matchup.  Next up- Capt v LO and DFUN’s Donut Puncher takes it from behind from new guy Team Bizness.

In a battle that we are all sure too see again in the Sacko-Bowl, DSVP took on the new Yankee in our midst, Team Bizness.  What a barn-burner this one was. Down to the last second! Kidding. 69-67 DSVP wins the worst game of the week.  Lucky for him he still has David Johnson, the number 1 pick in the entire draft, the most dominate player the last two years in all FFL, the two time defending champion with the Cats. Or not. Out with a broken wrist.  Thanks for breaking DJ, Jerk! A breakout by Hooper with 18 (count on that every week!) and West with 14 was enough for the W.  Strangley the Pats D only got -4 (remember Defense Wins Championships, Plumber Boy).  Hill on the bench with 19 would have helped but was unnecessary to beat someone who scored 67 total points.  Bizness called on Rrrrraaaawwwwddddjjjjaaas and he started slow as usual with 16.   Only the Panthers D got double digits, 14 (defense).   The 13 sitting on the pine with Stewart would have sealed this opening day victory, if he had actually played, that is.   DSVP take on Pigg at home will Biz welcomes DDP next week.

And in the finale, Grider v Big D.  As the results of the draft stated, this could be the year Grider falls off the FFl map.  Maybe too much time tossing old pensioners out on their asses (in knee deep water) distracted this former Champion, but all this FFL beat writer knows is that this team SUCKS!  Carr with 18 two 9’s from the RBs and that’s it.  Maclin had 11 but was watching from the sidelines.  Big D looks legit early in the season.  Big Ben with 16, McCoy 15 and Girly 15 and some dude named Marvin with 9.  Brown is an O along with Amendola, so we will soon see how the new guy reacts to FFL roster changes.  next week- Big D v Lil d and Grider v DFUN.

Week 1 is over, Defense played a big role, players lost, injured and questionable.  Some good games, some not so good (Grider).  Questions answered? Not yet.

Week 2 coming soon.

     The 2017-2018 “This is Serious Business” league draft was once again held at Two Charlies, the local FFL hangout.  Once again Grider didn’t show.  At least this time his excuse was believable.  He was kicking poor, Hurricane battered Houstonians out of there soggy third world dwellings, or as Nathan called it….. Vacation.  Once again, a very poor turnout for the draft.  Is it because everyone was busy?  Or are they all tired of watching the Ceiling Cats hand the trophy over to the Ceiling Cats?  Or is DSVP just that off-putting?  Once again, our Commish let us down horribly.  Botching the 8 to 10 team vote, COLLUDING again on the Keepers vote, punishing good teams with his Communistic draft lottery and worst of all……… the Sacko is stuck in some storage pod.  Yes, you heard that.  The greatest trophy since the Coney Island Mustard Yellow Belt is stuck in a storage pod.  That is in clear VIOLATION of “This is Serious Business” bylaws that state the Sacko must be in a visible area in the losers home at all times.  Something must be DONE about this atrocitiy.  Once again, the trophy handed to the Ceiling Cats  (by the Ceiling Cats, if you missed this info earlier) and once again, the Sacko champ being renamed.  Team Show Me Yo TD’s will be called DFUN’s Donut Puncher for the rest of the season.  DFUN is back to DFUN after spending a year as Griders Power Bottom.  For the first time in our illustrious history, we’ve grown to 10 teams.  Big D Hungry Briskets and Team Bizness.  (neither showed up for the draft).

Five years of the “Lucky Bastard”

(side note- thanks to DSVP and Capt for making the drive to Lil D and to the Cats for the free taco bar.)

     Back to the action- 10 teams, weighted lottery (bullshit), $50 per team (the Cats thank you for your donations), 16 weeks of AWESOMENESS!! New addition was DFUN co-owner Courtney and former Commish Reid manning the sticker board!
      The drafting was heated.  Some were ready for battle, some (DFUN) were failing as usual but going old school with printed paper and pencil, and some had a tummy ache and had Auto Draft set the world record for most WR’s taken in a single draft (DFUN’s Donut Puncher), and some (Grider) paid Matthew Berry from ESPN, as always, to draft for him.   Screams were heard throughout the bar as picks flew off the board, some full of  elation, some of shame (you know who you are).  As per usual, this writer sent the draft off to NASA, the NFL and Google to interpret the results.  These are THEIR results, you can argue with them!

DSVP- with the #1 pick in the draft, Penner could not choose wrong.   Leveon Bell or David Johnson?  No hesitation…. Johnson.  He will be the lynchpin for DSVPs entire season, but that should not be a problem because this guy is INDESTRUCTABLE!  Murray is getting old, Cooks is in NE, Lacy is fat, Lockett went to KSU and the always injured Sammy Watkins. Grade- B, but only because Johnson is the best player in the league and INDESTRUCTABLE.

Pigg- went with the consensus #2, Bell who skipped all preseason camp and apparently ate at Sizzler every day for lunch and dinner.  Over the hill AP, midget Sproles, underachieving Dez and the great Larry Fitz.  He needs more Cowboys on his team. Grade- C+

DFUN’s Donut Puncher- Auto Draft. 8 WR’s. QB in 15th round.  Crowell and Hyde at RB. Grade- ?
the experts had never seen a draft like this before.

Big D Hungry Briskets- McCoy good if not injured, Girly-man we shall see, Olsen INDESTRUCTABLE, Crabtree TD Vulture, Big Ben and Cam, a couple of Boys and an intriguing M Bryant when not suspended. Grade-A

DFUN- Good RB group if Ajayi isn’t a bust and Montgomery gets the ball, strong WR with ODB, Thomas and Diggs (if Bradford can stay upright).  Best draft of DFUN’s sad career. Grade B+

Grider or should I say Team Berry (ESPN FFL expert if ya didn’t know).  Freeman good, Lamar Miller, meh.  Gronk if he isn’t broken.  Old people Brees, Gore and Forte.  This could be the end of the Grider playoff run.  Grade C

Tom Brady is a Cheater, or for the new guys, Cheat or the Capt (old name).  If Gillislee takes over for Blount he will be the steal of the draft.  Evans and Winston should be strong.  Mixon is a wild-card and the always controversial Goldent Taint, errr Tate. sorry.  Grade B+

Laces Out, last years first place Loser.  Brady, of course, Beast Mode should be interesting, Cooper is good when Trabtree isn’t vulture-ing his TDs, the Mouth-Breather Manning and Jordy, (who was fantastic down the stretch last year with the Champs) as long as he stays healthy, he is a force.  Grade B (mostly because Brady can, unfortunately, do anything)

Lil d Ceiling Cats- All rookie team (Fournette, Cook, Hunt). Could be good or all three could play like rookies.  Zeke as long as the courts keep him playing (if so then definitely the steal of the draft,  if not, 2nd round pick down the drain). Middling WR, strong D, freaking Marty B at TE.  Grade B-
too much unknown.

Team Bizness- Rrraaaawwwwdddddjjjjjaaaass also gives you a chance to win.  Add Julio, if not injured, Mccaffrey a rookie and the great Justin Tucker.  Down side, TY Hilton’s ups and downs, Ingram touches, Benjamins potato sack-like body and the Red Rocket as back-up QB.  Grade B-  Rrrraaawwwwddddjjjjaaasss will have to carry this group unless Julio turns it on or McCaff is the real deal.

Week 1 is coming soon, please send all critiques to the Commish. Its always ALL his fault.  And don’t forget to vote NO to weighted drafts or else the terrorists win!

          Oooooooooooooooook, lets get caught up on a few missing weeks.   Cats won about half their games, the Capt went on a winning streak that pulled him from the losers playoffs to a possible #1 seed.  LO is right there at the top, as is Grider (though not as safe) and Pigg (same as Grider).  The Commish and DSVP are struggling to be the top dog in the bracket of shame.  TSMYTDs goes into the last week as #8, but within striking distance.  5 teams are playing in week 14 for only 4 spots in the promised land.  Parity in the NFL has come to “This is Serious Business” and no team has broken away.  In the East, Cats and LO are 8-5 with Grider one back at 7-6.  In the usually horrid West division, TBIAC is 8-5 with Pigg hunting him down at 7-6.  And to make it even more fun, the FFL Gods have set a great lineup for us this weekend!!

     Cats v Pigg- Pigg needs the win to have a better chance at the winners bracket.  One game back in the West division, buuuuuuuuuuuttt, leading in points scored over TBIAC, if The Capt loses, (this comes into effect when there is a tie).  Also tied with Grider at 7-6 for the last position but no chance of catching him in points.  Cats are ALMOST assured the bracket of winning due to a top record and the most points scored overall.  Though positioning could go anywhere from 1-4.

     Grid v TBIAC- this is the one to watch this week!!  Grider is in a must win, TBIAC is in a “want to” win.  If Grider wins, and LO loses, he gets in and she may not.  If Grider wins and outscores the Cats by 57 and LO wins, then Grid can move on with the Cats on the edge.  If the Capt wins, then Grider is looking in from the outside, if Pigg beats the Cats.
  

    DSVP vs Lo- Lo wins and she is in.  DSVP wins, LO is in trouble and DSVP will go to the top of the bracket of bad.
  

   TGPBS vs TSMYTDS- no drama here except who is last in a bracket full of last.

     This has been an outstanding year!  Pigg auto-drafted and is on the brink of the promised land.  TBIAC went from the losers side to possibly the big dawg.  Grider overcame a VERY mediocre roster to possibly play for the trophy.  DSVP isn’t last. LO has proven she has the skillz to pay the billz with back to back winners bracket.  TSMYTDs swaps places with TBIAC, from top to bottom bracket.   And finally to the  Commish, the first Sacko winner.  Proudly displaying the fiery balls of sadness in his living room for the entire season……  he clearly wants that trophy to stay put! If  DSVP, TSMYTDS and one other lucky person want that trophy for their own they will  have to fight The Team Grider’s Power Bottoms tooth and nail all the way to the sad, pathetic end!
    Good Luck to everyone tomorrow.  Sorry for the blank weeks in writing.  Let’s all enjoy the Playoffs.  Except for the Power Bottoms.  I love that name.

     Time has flown by as quickly as points scored against the Power Bottoms!  LO is still on top, DSVP has crawled out of Fantasy hell and is on a 3 game win streak, Pigg continues to win games because no one can score against him.  TSMYTDs is fighting for playoff position in the pitiful, oops, in the surprisingly not pitiful West Division.  TBIAC, despite being deluged with points against, is in the hunt, as are perennial contenders, Grider and the Cats.  Quick review of this weeks games then off to the stat line!

     Team Pigg’s adversary TBIAC was able to break the 70pt wall that our northern friend has constructed, allowing the Capt to win 84-74.  Drew 24, and Antonio 14 led the way for TBIAC while Murray 30 and D Harris 17, sat the pine.  Pigg had another great game from Zeke 21, 16 from ODB and a big fat ZERO from trade-rape Spencer Ware. Luckily for the Capt, Pigg sat 27pts from Evans and 19 from Rivers.  The once pitiful dumpster-fire of a division has been making strides to legitimacy (much like our new President!!).

     POWER BOTTOMS WIN, THE POWER BOTTOMS WIN!!  In a game with the headline “When hell freezes over” the TGPBs shocked the FFL world by topping the #1 ranked LO.  Marriota tossed 25, Williams caught 12, 15 hard earned points from waiver wire pick up Ravens D, and Yeldon actually broke double digits with 10.  Obviously the Bottoms played their best players this week since Big Ben was the only player on the bench to score.  At one time TGPBs had 7, yes 7 players on bye, a new FFL record! Congrats. 

     DSVP 99-74 TSMYTDs.  Pugs are on a UUUUUUUUUUGE winning streak!  Taco continues to hang around the playoff contenders.  Jameis Winston stole 21 while Ingram rumbled for 28pts after getting his ass benched last week, and 11 from Moncrief coming off his injury. TSMYTDs just had no one show up big this week.  Lots of low double-digit scores mixed in with some low single-digit scores.  Witten with 19 and Bortles 21 were the top scorers. They were also on the bench. sad face.

     The Cats took a much needed week off while Team Grider and his team of Oaklawn dancing queens played a scrimmage that doesn’t count and never officially happened. 125-94 in this game that, I repeat, never happened and doesnt’ count.

Everyone still has a chance to get to the winners bracket.

1. LO 6-3     2. TBIAC 5-4 (division leader)     3. Grider 5-4 (points)     4. Cats 5-4
5. Pigg 5-4     6.  DSVP 4-5     7.  TSMYTDs 3-6 (points)     8.  TGPBs 3-6

Points FOR
1. Grider 911     2. CATS 906     3.  LO 903 ( all three in the EAST division)    4. TBIAC 844
5.  Pigg 817     6. DSVP 806     7.  TSMYTDs 752( all 4 in WEST division and)  8. PBs 732

Points AGAINST
1. Pigg, by a mile, 668     2. LO 808     3. DSVP 822     4.TSMYTDs 837
5.  TGPBS 851     6.  Cats 861     7.  TBIAC  906     8. Grider 918

Biggest +/-
1. Pigg +149     2.  LO +95     3.  Cats +45     4. Grider -7
5.  DSVP -16     6.  TBIAC -62     7.  TSMYTDS -85     8.  TGPBs -119

Sooooo, what can we take away from all the numbers?  Well Pigg is living the FFL dream life with teams scoring an average of 74.22 pts per game against while Griders opponents score and ave of 102 per game.  And they have the same record.  Cats are a plus 45 and TBIAC is a -62 but they are tied.  LO still looks the best, 3rd in scoring, second lowest in points against and a plus 95, but is only one game up.  3 games left and the largest margin from top to bottom is 3.  Every game is a must win for every team.  From playoff seating for the lucky four playing to take home “lucky bastard” or the three fighting TGPB for the “sacko”,  this may be our most exciting season yet!  Bye weeks are almost done, injuries are plentiful and sure to continue and the waiver-wire is looking pretty sad.  Still not much trading going on (mostly just rejections of TBIAC attempted trad-rapes).  So to everyone who isn’t playing the Cats, good luck and keep FFLing!