Month: October 2015

Week 5 or "Oh How the mighty have fallen"

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     DFUN Goes down! The undefeated season is over. Somewhere, the 1972 Dolphins are drinking a toast to the Commish’s demise. DSVP 116 DFUN 100. Without D Martin’s (this guy still plays football?) 33 and Eli’s slobber covered 28pt outburst, this would have gotten UGLY!  DSVP rode the Patriots RB, WR and D for 45 and 21 from Antonio Gates, back from suspension (great pickup!).  Clearly this is the end of DFUN’s failed attempt at making the playoffs. Vegas odds have them going 0-7 to finish another sad, sad season. DSVP rebounded from an 0-3 start to be in a 4 way tie for first (what a bullshit division!!) at 2-3. I’m personally voting for league contraction. Lot of dead weight in the West (Capt, we are looking at you).

     GRID 100 over PIGG 49. Not a mistype. 49. All positions filled. No injuries. 49 points
     Another beat down, LO RIDES her black stallion Freeman to another victory over TSMYTDs 103-63.  Brady 25, Demarco Murray 17 (equaling his SEASON total) and a poor Julio Jones day, 11pt brought another W to LO.  TSMYTD’S just didn’t show up. 11 from Foster, Sanders and the resurgent Fitz. No double digits from anyone else. Will TSMYTD’S call it quits? Will he fight back against the horribly weak West division? Will any team in that dumpster-fire division reach .500? We shall see. (Vegas side note to follow)

     Finally, the highest score of the week…….the second win in a row……..the 29th straight victory over TBIAC and his former team name (he thought a name change would change his luck)…..and a tie for first place in the West……(cue wheels screeching followed by car crash noise).  Cats destroy TBIAC 133-107. Both teams 2-3. TBIAC in tie for first place. Cats in fourth in East. WTF!!!!!  Waiver wire magic, as usual, by the Cats, sealed the deal.  Barnidge 19 and Packers 22 along with Bell’s mediocre day of 18pt and a K with 13 was just too much for the absolute best game TBIAC could possibly expect from his group of losers.  Some have compared TBIAC team to Lamar Odom. Stats look good, potential looks good……married a Kardashian……….fucked over the Mavs………went to a brothel……..now in intensive care from too much organic Viagra. (OK, not real sure about this comparison.  GRID sent all the corroborating evidence to the Editor-In-Cheif of this blog. From what I’ve seen it’s only a couple of pics of Kourtney K and twenty empty bottles of EXTENZE.  But the boss says write it, so I write it).
     The Pulizter prize nominated writer of this blog was recently in Vegas and had a “sit-down” with the official sports book prognosticator.  These are his findings……   PIGG will start a complete roster of nothing but backup players resulting in the lowest score in league history.  LO, majestically seated upon her ebony mount (Freeman,) will make the playoffs and lose in the first round when the league realizes he (Freeman) is not human and suspends him.  TSMYTD’S will take his “NFL All-Pro Team 2012” all the way to the Title. (as stated many times prior, the FFL Gods are fickle).  Cats will trade his entire team by the end of the season. Will talk about it for the next twenty years to anyone who will/or won’t, listen.  GRID will disappear. That’s it. He’ll just not respond anymore.  DSVP, in the weak-ass West Division, will continue to be third.  TBIAC will be sent to Huntsville after his attempted murder of the Cats owner following his 74th straight loss to the “Lil d”.  DFUN will make his own league. Consisting of DFUN and no one else……. He will find a way to lose……..

Week 4 or "I’m kind of a big deal"- Ron "DFUN" Burgundy

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So week 4 has come and gone and with it came the shocking upsets, injuries and big wins we are used to seeing. 2 favorites won, 2 got smacked down.  Everyone has a win and only one has NO losses. Lots of waiver wire action as teams twist and tweek their lineups.  Some teams (GRID) failed to recognize excellent trade offers. Injuries have started to take their toll along with the hated bye weeks! Depth will be playing a very large part for the rest of the season. So, for some, go find that next piece to build your bench. For the others who don’t have a bench to start with…. your screwed (Grid, PIGG)!!

     DFUN 84-78 over TBIAC in a huge upset.  The Capt was a 24pt favorite to start the day but ends up falling to 2-2.  Palmer and Forte were the only two starters to actually not suck. Luckily for DFUN,  Spillers 16 and Hillmans 16 combined with Bradfords 23 (yup, can’t actually believe I’m writing this. Sam Bradford was not the worst player in the league Sunday) on the bench was the end for TBIAC.  The Commish and trade-rape Jones (9 pts) win again. That’s 4-0 for those who aren’t paying attention. Taco.  Fiery Ginger Dalton got 17, AP 15 and no jail time this week, some dude named Charles Clay 11 and GRID castoff Crowell 12.  FFL Luck WILL catch up with DFUN…….I hope.  TBIAC is in the middle of the pack right now.  Maybe a big trade could change that?   Or maybe he is just gonna sit and wait for Big Ben to comeback and make his team relevant again. Guess we shall see.
     GRID was a 13 pt fav over winless Pugs. Final… DSVP 81 GRID 52!!! First, despite their scores, they both fielded a full team of active, not good, players. Nothing to note in this game, see the score, except the exceptional lack of talent on the defending champs team. No running game at all with Beast-mode still in Bitch-mode, ODB getting roughed up by every D he sees (I smell an injury coming) and no bench to speak of.  Gronk is the only bright spot until he breaks his forearm or forgets to go the game (he is STUPID, like Eli Manning mouth-breather stupid) and Hopkins who has to catch ugly ducks tossed by Mallett or Hoyer. Good luck with that! GRID may have to start making moves or risk losing the trophy that his team of FFL experts fought so hard for him to “win” last year.

DSVP 1-3 now and still searching for the “right” lineup. Nothing great on bench but all are usable (Brees, Edelman, Ellington, Gates, Blount) if they get hot or others get hurt.

(Above photo and caption provided by TBIAC.  The publisher of this blog does not agree or disagree with TBIAC’s opinions and denies any part of this mean-spirited meme)

    LO 80-67 over PIGG. ESPN actually got this point spread correct! Crazy!! LO on a two game winning streak while the “Yankee” is on a win loss win loss pattern.  L0 left some points on the bench but didn’t need them. PIGG  left V Jax’s 20 sitting and Raaawwwddddjjjjaaasss let his team down, only scoring 15 (I’d trade him away) and the old man S Smith got injured early on.  LO got another ridiculous day from Freeman, 32, and no one else.  May be a good time for her to build up her team in a mutually beneficial trade!!

    And NOW THE FAMILY FUED!! Cats owner Holamon vs TSMYTDs owner T Holamon. Cats were 4 pt favs to start and 43 pt winners at the end. Hola has some bright spots with Arian Foster coming back and Fitz playing well.  Bench is beat up pretty good with Luck, McCoy and Bell. Cats on the other hand scored 157 (loss) last week and was high score this week with 96. Cats bench…. Despite Adams being out……… Out scored everyone…..everyone….. Including the Cats starters.  The Cats GM is awaiting your calls.

      One quarter through our FFL season and it’s time to look at the numbers and see who is for real and who is on borrowed time.
EAST
DFUN     4-0   PF-367 (least)      PA-327 (least)
LO           2-2   PF-437 (most)     PA-461  (most)
GRID.      2-2   PF-395 (2nd)      PA-352 (2nd least)
CATS.      1-3   PF-378 (3rd).     PA-404 (2nd most)

WEST
TBIAC.      2-2   PF-404 (most).   PA-349 (least)
PIGG.         2-2.  PF-378 (2nd).     PA-365 (2nd most)
TSMYTDs. 2-2.  PF-355 (3rd).     PA-414 (most)
DSVP.         1-3.  PF-316 (least).   PA-358 (2nd least)

LO is the bad luck winner for the first four while DFUN is by far the “lucky bastard” with the least points scored and least scored against him and 4-0!

   Week 5 will clarify everything. Guaranteed. Just like ESPN projections.

Guatanteed!

Week 3 or "sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains-Bull Durham"

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     Two close games  and two beat downs.  Things happened in week 3 that could only be explained by angry FFL Gods or just the “end of times” are nigh.  A backup nobody RB (Freeman) goes for 37, a has-been (C2K) scores twice, a millionaire cologne/underwear thief (Randle) steals 27 and an old old man (S. Smith) hits 30!  J Charles gets held down by his head coach (moron Andy Reid), Big Ben went down with a knee injury, trade-rape (J. Jones) hits 19, and the “Beast-mode” goes “Bitch-mode” with 1. This reporter is not sure if anything cleared up this week or if this thing is still up in the air (being 0-3, I believe it’s still up in the air).

    The Beatdowns-
     TBIAC 110- 84 DSVP.  Penner drops to 0-3 behind CJ Anderson’s continued decline and J Maclin on the pine with 20 (though in his defense, a KC WR catching a TD hadn’t happened in 18 games under the drunk bus-driver of a QB A Smith).  The Capt obviously has been reading the blog and finally benched S Bradford (now trade me A Brown) for the ageless wonder C Palmer 18 (good luck with him being healthy, he wears a Life-Alert bracelet). 20 from Gore and a monster 28pt game from R Cobb finished off the the winless bitches……sorry….. Pugs.
     PIGG destroys TSMYTDs, 148-88.  Luck goes for 16 (a great game for him this season) and Fitz with 25 was all the TSMYTD’S coach gave his team this week.  Cam Newton 25 and Ingram 15 on the bench wouldn’t have helped under the PIG-NADO storm of the century!  Raaaawwwwwddddjjjjaaaaasss hits 34, Randle shoplifted 27, (good luck on that happening again), and the age-less wonder S Smith 30. B Marshall 14, K with 16 and D Thomas at 13 made this matchup look like it happened on Mason Vergers farm. (clue- Hannibal Lecter) not pretty!
      Ceiling Cats get starter-raped by the KC Chiefs and the collusion of our “commish” (we need to vote on this position soon. Seriously, he is a menace).  After a text from our “leader” LO picks up D Freeman 37 and C2K 27 at the last second, leaving number 1overall pick E Lacey on the bench. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, sounds like someone has inside knowlege.  This game is under league review, and the Cats firmly believe they will be victorious upon full disclosure (it’s not under review, we don’t have a review policy, and I hate DFUN).  Maybe this is payback for the week 1 shoot out that LO lost 143-121. I don’t know, but I do know the Cats were robbed, I think we can all agree on that. Can’t we………
    And now to the only bright shiny light so far in this FFL season, DFUN 99- GRID 97!!!
GRID was a 35 point favorite to start the weekend until a K and trade-rape J Jones came along Sunday night to hand the defending champ (still under review, see above disclaimer) his first heart breaking loss.  Gronk only had 10, ODB and Hopkins combine for 29. As we have seen before (DSVP) when your K is the high score, your in trouble, Gostkowski 17.  But despite Marshawn’s 1 pt disappointment (might want to think trade, Cats have about ten fabulous RB’s) GRID went into Monday night with an insurmountable 26 point lead with only the above K and trade-raper Jones left to play.  Being an impartial newsman, I kept GRID and his soon to be fired group of FFL analytic experts updated on each catch and field goal.  I can only assume he was busy interviewing a new set of fantasy nerds to do his bidding and was unable to reply to my texts. We will just say “no comment” from GRID.
    EAST- DFUN 3-0 GRID 2-1 LO 1-2 CATS 0-3
    WEST- TBIAC 2-1 PIGG 2-1 TSMYTD’S 2-1 DSVP 0-3
Next week we will get into the numbers.  Let’s just say, as usual, there are inconsistencies (poor LO, lucky-ass DFUN)!